Until You

I sometimes wonder why I am still here. It’s not like I want to die per se, it’s just…living can be exhausting sometimes. Just going through the motions, day in and day out, nothing really changing and nothing really mattering. Just existing for the sake of existing. Surviving out of pure routine.

Day in, day out. Nothing changing, nothing mattering.

I used to be able to enjoy life. I think. I don’t remember that much anymore. But I know I used to be a lot happier when I was younger.

I remember I was curious, eager to experience new things, to learn, to discover. Every day held limitless potential, and nothing was impossible.

I remember I enjoyed spending time with people, laughing, telling stories, having deep discussions about anything and everything, just connecting with them. Bonding. Belonging.

I remember being excited about the future, about the things I would do, the places I would see, the people I would meet. The future was uncharted territory, and I was its intrepid explorer.

But then something happened. The world somehow became more…gray. Things I previously loved doing all of a sudden felt boring and dull. The people I had cared for turned into mild annoyances I kept in touch with out of habit, and each interaction felt more and more draining. The future just…wasn’t really a thing anymore. I woke up and just passed the time until I could go to bed again. Or on some days I might have even gone to bed early because I saw no point in staying awake.

And for years and years, that was my life.

Day in, day out.

Nothing changed and nothing mattered.

On second thought, “life” might be the wrong term. Because it wasn’t much of a life, to be honest. Each day looked the same. Days turned into weeks, which turned into months, which turned into years; the same numbness pervading throughout. I was surviving, not living.

I tried to get out of it, sure. I tried some new hobbies, I tried going out and meeting new people. Hell, I even went back to school for a while, thinking the influx of new ideas and experiences would ignite something within me.

But nothing worked. The hobbies turned into chores and were abandoned, interacting with people became exhausting, and school got too stressful and just made things worse.

But it was okay. It wasn’t that big of a deal anyway.

Because nothing mattered. And nothing would change.

Day in.

And day out.

That is, until you came along.

I still remember how the first time I heard your laugh made me feel. Yes, feel – something I hadn’t done for years! It was as if some forgotten part of me was slowly coming back to life.

I felt like a drowning person who had finally been pulled to safety and took their first deep breath of clean, crisp air. Like a person coming in from a freezing snowstorm, and getting wrapped in a warm blanket and placed in front of a crackling fire.

It was as if a fog had been lifted from my mind, and everything seemed brighter, more vivid, more alive, than ever before!

It was as if the rainstorm had passed, and I no longer had to constantly fight it. I may still have been drenched and miserable and the clouds may still have been dark, but slowly and steadily the sun started working its way through. And like a neglected flower, shoved into a dark corner and forgotten, I relished in each and every ray that managed to break through the clouds.

It was a kind of warmth I hadn’t felt in years, and it warmed my very soul.

But it wouldn’t last, I kept telling myself. Things would eventually go back to as they were before. You would disappear, I would lose the energy to keep in touch, something would happen – in some way or another, things would soon fall apart.

After all, nothing changes, and nothing matters. Day in, day out – it would always be the same.

I remember the doubts nagging in the back of my mind – constant and unrelenting.

Whenever I thought about you, a voice told me that you disliked me. Whenever I spoke to you, the voice told me that I was annoying you. Whenever I thought about how very in love I was, the voice reminded me about all the failures that had come before, and how this time would surely be no different.

But it was different. Because you had somehow fallen in love with me too.

From then on, things I had seen and passed a thousand times suddenly looked completely new! Things were no longer just ”there”, they had smells, colors, shapes, textures: all of which I had been completely unaware of until now.

Until you.

You were like a painter with a palette full of brilliant colors, sent on a mission to repaint my world. And stars above, you sure knew how to paint.

You helped me smell the scent of a summer evening, hear the gentle sound of birdsong in the morning, see what a beautiful shade of blue the sky can really be.

You showed me what a gentle lover’s touch feels like, what it’s like to get lost in the eyes of the person you love and how a simple kiss could make everything feel right in the world.

You showed me how the world looked bathed in light, instead of covered by a veil of gray.

And whenever the color started to drain from my world, or the lights started to dim once again, there you were, next to me. Always. Helping me recolor my world, one brushstroke at a time.

And when I had finally worked up the courage to ask, you said yes, and I knew.

I knew everything was going to be okay.

Because from now on – day in and day out – things will be changing.

And now, everything matters!

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