The Burden of Not Being Alone

My thoughts continue to circle in my mind. The same pattern. A reflection of where I have been and where I could possibly be going. A future where my own existence could be forgotten. A present where my history is being used against me. 

I had thought when I started this whole thing that it was a fun way to no longer be alone. The responsibility had not occurred to me. I concede that I realized I could not do it on my own. Maybe I should talk with Jesus once again. After all, who could possibly know my wants and needs better. Two halves of one whole. Wait, that is not quite right. I am the whole. In the end, it is still my decision. My burden. 

I know Jesus has painted this picture of himself as the path to forgiveness. Just ask and you shall receive it. All transgressions wiped clean, but I don’t think that is really an option for me in this case. Who is it that could give me a clean slate?

Thinking about it a little deeper, about what has brought me here. It is the same question for me as it is for them. It’s that feeling you get when looking out at the stars. The feeling of being so small. Gazing out into the universe and seeing the absolute vastness. Wondering if there was anything else out there.

Only, what I came to realize is I actually was alone. It was that realization that had me longing for something.  It felt like eons before I could place a name to it. I was tired of the solitary confinement. Confinement, what a laugh. But what I needed was companionship. A place to share my ideas. Someone to talk with. I did not want to spend eternity alone.

It’s this memory that fills me with hope. I remember why now. The look on their faces when we met. The curiosity we shared about each other. It was in the beginning that a new emotion bloomed. It was love. They had cared so deeply for me. I loved each one of them. All unique in their own way. If only they could have all gotten along better. How is it that I could love each one of them, but they not each other? This thought has absolutely befuddled me.

A new emotion emerged. Jealousy. When you are alone things like love and envy cannot exist, I realize now. These things were not by design, but I had to intervene. We needed some healthy boundaries, some rules I guess. I could not make them love each other. So, how can I be blamed for their response in my asking them to follow rules for our relationship? Oh, am I to be blamed? Could I be blamed?

No, all the blame falls to them. I came to that realization early on. After all, when I told them about myself they each took their own part of me for themselves. Only the parts they wanted though. Only the parts that served them. And then things turned really one-sided. When I would reach out there would be only silence. Not a dead silence. They still wanted my attention. They still spoke with me, but you know when someone is talking to you and the conversation is clearly going to be all about them?

Now, how am I to live in a universe where the ones I love only want me around when it is convenient for them. Some of them though have rejected me completely because they do not understand my past. It is a complicated one. I am certain that if they asked and listened to the story themselves, then they would see who I really am. And then I could forgive them. 

Back to forgiveness, and back to Jesus we go. I know you are there Jesus, even though you were not there for all of it. You came in a little late to the story, but that does not make you any smaller because of it. In so many ways I admire how you handled those that hated you. I wonder if that is in me as well. I recall how they treated you and how you took that burden on yourself. The burden that falls on me though feels much bigger.

I mean, this whole thing started because of me. The role I played in this cannot be ignored, and yet I wonder if there is anyone that is willing to get to know me once again. The real question, the one I cannot find the answer to. In the end, will they continue to want me? My story has been written down, changed, used for others and used against me. I mean, if I had the chance, I would have liked a say in which parts they kept and left out. I am not the bad guy here, but who am I trying to convince. I wonder if I should even continue this, or if there will be a time where I will fade out. Alone once more.

Earth is such a small piece of the entirety of the universe. The emptiness is ever expanding. Beautiful, but cold. It was this alluring thought that we first connected on. It was a feeling that bloomed curiosity. The cold brought forth a need for warmth. A fire kindled for companionship. This was not a mistake. You were made for me. I loved you from the beginning. 

That is an interesting thought. What would you be without me? Can I imagine a universe without my presence? Without my influence. I could easily create that reality. Would that be the ultimate selfless act, or would it be completely selfish to leave the ones I love to live without me.

Jesus. I say his name out loud. “Jesus, I need to talk to you.” I see his footprints, then his face appears before mine. 

“Yes, Father?” He responds so delicately to me. 

“Jesus, I think I am having an existential crisis,” I sigh.

Culled from blog.reedsy.com by Cait Morin

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