Life and Love

I remember love and life. Please, just hear me out. I have many “pasts” that I can recount for you, but there was this one time…

Inequity is where the inside doesn’t match the outside. It’s possible that the love that finally shows up in your life, comes from the inside and breaks out like a pressure valve of exploding steam. It changes from inflection to bang, it’s out there for the whole world to see. Like it or not.

I was asleep for a very long time and dreaming about “what is and what could have been”.I came to this conclusion. The difference between “Travesty” and “Hope Springs Eternal,” is perception and the acceptance of it. The way that it comes at you requires a decision, follow it through or stay stuck and it’s hard to know what to do when you’re playing for keeps. We get comfortable in relationships even when they’re long past their expiration dates. Complacency has a numbing effect.

Then without any want or invitation, love breaks down the door and shows up in person. I thought all of those old feelings were gone forever because I’m way too damaged to feel them through the scars. But, then someone walked into my life and the distance between us closed so quickly it’s like it never existed at all.

A glance and a turn in the in-between places cause the ground to shift and the air to move around you. Then you’re looking into the eyes that you once looked through. Knowing. It always happens on the edge of one realization to another. You’re just one sudden move in the right place and one decision away from being someone else. When you can see your own soul in another, you no longer have the option of staying still and you would run straight through hellfire to get to this person because you finally found that missing part of you.

I found mine in mid-sentence while speaking to someone else. He walked by and casually said hello. Admittedly he was gorgeous, but I tried not to stare or be too obvious. That makes people feel leery of you. So I tried hard not to do it. Anyways, I jumped quickly back into my previous conversation. When that was over, he walked over to me and started up his own. At first, I thought he was a little arrogant and presumptuous. For reasons I can’t remember he started talking to me about being a doctor, the suffering he’s seen, and how alone he felt while he was trying to save lives. We talked endlessly about how valuable life is and the love and happiness that we are all due. Come to find out, he was a poet too. (Be still my beating heart.)

It felt like the warmth of the sun on my face when I saw very clearly a scene from a former marriage. It involved a brush with death, a prayer scene in a parking lot, and the answer to that prayer coming out of the lips of the attending surgeon. There was no stopping it. I knew in an instant that this is the person I’d been waiting to tell this story to for literally decades.

While I was telling him what happened, he listened. He actually listened. In my personal experience, no one does that anymore. When I was done, we both felt it. A connection was born. Not only that, but I had been carrying that story around with me trying not to forget it. It seemed like I had been waiting for him to hear it forever. What a relief.

Like I said, it bursts out into the open right where everybody can see it, including the relationships that were with us that had already run their course. The funny thing about life is when it unravels it unravels fast and hard. But, then I could always count on him to whisper softly in my ear, “the storm will pass.”

He always knew what to say to me, especially when we were slow dancing. Of course, by now the aforementioned stale relationships are getting pretty, well you know, angry. Emotional meltdowns and blow-ups ensued that were really hard to watch. Most of them were coming from someone that I used to love and still care for. I hated that part. But, sometimes love has to break down the door instead of knocking just to get in.

I swear to be a loving friend to my soon-to-be-ex, but this man that’s standing before me is who I was truly meant to be with. I couldn’t stop the momentum…and I wouldn’t want to. (I never meant to hurt anyone.) I know you must be judging me right now. I can’t say that I blame you for it, because I used to think like you. But consider this, can you live without your vital organs? Exactly. I couldn’t live without him anymore. I’ve spent too much of my life not being able to live and breathe. There’s no going back now.

We walked away from, the crowd and our exes so that we could be alone together for a moment. We must have been talking for a while because the sun was starting to come up. I think it was the most beautiful sunrise I had ever seen because he was standing next to me. Everyone must have seen us holding hands while we were walking back. There’s just no point in trying to hide it now. As we approached our two former relationships sitting on the bench, they were clearly boiling over with hatred and disgust. We stood together shoulder to shoulder and laid all of our cards out on the table for them. I really hate hurting anyone, especially someone I still care for. But, love had changed into obligation a long time ago.

So as my last act in that marriage, I broke my husband’s heart and followed my own instead.

Culled from blog.reedsy.com by F.G.

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